The things I can't tell my mother....

It's been some time since I last posted, so I figured I'd throw something out there for my only follower and any who might stumble upon this.

It seems we all suffer from various forms of the same disease: secret keeping. Yes, we all have our secrets; some are shared with a select few, some we share with everyone except the people invovled, and then there are those we will take to our grave. The people we keep secrets varies from friends to strangers to family to the closest of the close. Some people would die if they had no secrets, others would explode if they didn't tell anyone at all.

I am well-known as a secret-keeper among those who know me. I may share a few from time to time with my mom or best friends (always the people I share with are perfectly uninvolved in the secret and can play no part in the outcome). I have never told anyone all of my own secrets and no one ever sees my every facet. But it is very true that there are things I cannot tell my mother, and I have to say, as she is probably THE most important person in my life, this hurts me more than anything else. So here I'll write them, and I'll let them sink into the currents of the vast internet, because I need to let them out for someone to read.....

The things I can't tell my mother....

I cannot tell my mom I'm bi. I can't tell my mom that I am no longer Christian. I can't tell my mom that I still want to hurt myself sometimes. I can't tell my mom that I believe suicide is a choice and a right, and that it's even more selfish to keep someone who wants to die alive, because you're doing it for yourself, not for them. I can't tell my mom that I hope to die young. I can't tell my mom that I don't want to get old. I can't tell my mom that I don't want kids. I can't tell my mom that I hate the thought of marriage. I can't tell my mom that I believe in magick. I can't tell my mom just how much I hate people. I can't tell my mom that I believe in past lives. I can't tell my mom that nothing makes me truly happy anymore. I can't tell my mom that my dreams are the only place I like to be. I can't tell my mom the things that make me feel real, or how this life feels more like a dream than when I'm asleep. I can't tell my mom how pointless life, and all its struggles, seems to me. I can't tell my mom that the nervous tic I have on my face is from having to hide so many things from her while I was living away from home for 3 and a half months. I can't tell my mom that she and my grandma are the reason I feel like I'm beginning to develop a split personality. I can't tell my mom what I really think about her religion and beliefs. I can't tell my mom all the things I really believe. I can't tell my mom just how much living really hurts me.



These are just a few of the things that came to mind right now. There will always be more things, little things, but still things, to hide. I know that if some of these things ever came out she would blame herself and think she was a bad mother. The truth is I have a wonderful mother and I love her very much, she was never a bad mom. So to protect her I'll take most, if not all, of these secrets with me to my grave and do my best to never leave any evidence for her to find out.

Feel free to share your own secrets here :)