It's been some time since I last posted, so I figured I'd throw something out there for my only follower and any who might stumble upon this.
It seems we all suffer from various forms of the same disease: secret keeping. Yes, we all have our secrets; some are shared with a select few, some we share with everyone except the people invovled, and then there are those we will take to our grave. The people we keep secrets varies from friends to strangers to family to the closest of the close. Some people would die if they had no secrets, others would explode if they didn't tell anyone at all.
I am well-known as a secret-keeper among those who know me. I may share a few from time to time with my mom or best friends (always the people I share with are perfectly uninvolved in the secret and can play no part in the outcome). I have never told anyone all of my own secrets and no one ever sees my every facet. But it is very true that there are things I cannot tell my mother, and I have to say, as she is probably THE most important person in my life, this hurts me more than anything else. So here I'll write them, and I'll let them sink into the currents of the vast internet, because I need to let them out for someone to read.....
The things I can't tell my mother....
I cannot tell my mom I'm bi. I can't tell my mom that I am no longer Christian. I can't tell my mom that I still want to hurt myself sometimes. I can't tell my mom that I believe suicide is a choice and a right, and that it's even more selfish to keep someone who wants to die alive, because you're doing it for yourself, not for them. I can't tell my mom that I hope to die young. I can't tell my mom that I don't want to get old. I can't tell my mom that I don't want kids. I can't tell my mom that I hate the thought of marriage. I can't tell my mom that I believe in magick. I can't tell my mom just how much I hate people. I can't tell my mom that I believe in past lives. I can't tell my mom that nothing makes me truly happy anymore. I can't tell my mom that my dreams are the only place I like to be. I can't tell my mom the things that make me feel real, or how this life feels more like a dream than when I'm asleep. I can't tell my mom how pointless life, and all its struggles, seems to me. I can't tell my mom that the nervous tic I have on my face is from having to hide so many things from her while I was living away from home for 3 and a half months. I can't tell my mom that she and my grandma are the reason I feel like I'm beginning to develop a split personality. I can't tell my mom what I really think about her religion and beliefs. I can't tell my mom all the things I really believe. I can't tell my mom just how much living really hurts me.
These are just a few of the things that came to mind right now. There will always be more things, little things, but still things, to hide. I know that if some of these things ever came out she would blame herself and think she was a bad mother. The truth is I have a wonderful mother and I love her very much, she was never a bad mom. So to protect her I'll take most, if not all, of these secrets with me to my grave and do my best to never leave any evidence for her to find out.
Feel free to share your own secrets here :)
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Movies in Review: "Alice in Wonderland" (2010)
March 5, 2010: Tim Burton's much anticipated version of "Alice in Wonderland" is released. A massive wave of criticism and hype ensues.
The original Wonderland story is about a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit down a hole and finds herself in a very strange world. Tim Burton's version, however, is a return to Wonderland, taking place many years after Alice's original visit to the mad world, a visit she does not remember and passes off as only a dream. Even upon her return she believes she is dreaming and many of the inhabitants who are counting on her believe she is "the wrong Alice". As the young woman moves through the world she takes charge of her own life, fulfilling her destiny in her own time and way. There are many critics who feel that Mr. Burton wasted the money he was given for the movie and that he wasn't true to the story. But the story being told in this movie happens AFTER the original two, coming at a point much later in Alice's life. The new Alice is at a point in her life where she must choose: conform to society and marry the young lord, or face an uncertain financial and social future by refusing his offer. Her return to Wonderland isn't only to help overthrow the Red Queen; it's also to remind her of who she is as an individual and to show her that she can stand up on her own and make a difference without following the plans everyone else has set out for her. It really is a compelling tale that teaches people (adults as well as children) to think outside the box and make decisions for themselves, instead of letting others wear them down into submission. Think how different her world would be if Alice had not followed the rabbit again.
The cast for this movie was quite amazing. As usual, Tim Burton chose Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, but the inclusion of other actors such as Anne Hathaway and Mia Wasikowska certainly made a difference. Hathaway's performance as the White Queen was wonderful, and she brought out the image and persona of her character with graceful success. Though Wasikowska's performance was true to the character of Alice, there still seemed to be something lacking. Mrs. Bonham definitely filled the role of the Red Queen well, bringing out her insecurities and the source of her tyrannical behaviour for the audience to acknowledge.
Depp's performance was most definitely satisfying. True to form, he took his character above and beyond the script and gave the audience more than what they were expecting. Burton's twist on the Mad Hatter brings so much more to the whole story and fills in many blanks concerning the Hatter himself. The original Alice story does have a reasoning behind why both the Hatter and Hare are the way they are, but this version gives the Hatter much more depth. The transition between personalities and the changing eye-colour is a wonderful touch for showing when he is his typical "mad" self that everyone is familiar with and when he is remembering himself and becoming truly mad about everything that has happened. Depp does a great job showing all sides of the Hatter.
The setting of Wonderland is rich in colour and contrast, revealing the parts of the world yet intact and the parts that have been ravaged by the Red Queen's rule. The costumes match the characters well, and the changes in Alice's costume reflect well her growth in the story, though her outfit while in the White Queen's court was a bit disappointing. After all of the other more eye-catching pieces it seemed rather plain and out of place amongst the others.
All-in-all, this was an amazing movie that built well on the the foundations of Lewis Carroll's tales. Tim Burton lived up to his reputation for compelling and unconventional movies with a cast that truly brought it all to life. It earns a 9.7 out of 10 for a very few minor discrepancies, but it's well-worth seeing on the big screen and viewers aren't likely to be disappointed.
As a side note, for those who don't know why the Mad Hatter and March Hare are known as such, here's a quick history insight. Back when the original story was being written, lead was still being used in top hats to help keep them stiff, but people were learning that it was causing lead-poisoning, which can lead to various forms of delirium and mental issues, so the Mad Hatter is mad in the sense of being insane, not angry. For the Hare, March is generally their time for procreation and they tend to be a bit crazy during this time. Hope you enjoyed these tidbits and if you have anything to add please do.
The original Wonderland story is about a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit down a hole and finds herself in a very strange world. Tim Burton's version, however, is a return to Wonderland, taking place many years after Alice's original visit to the mad world, a visit she does not remember and passes off as only a dream. Even upon her return she believes she is dreaming and many of the inhabitants who are counting on her believe she is "the wrong Alice". As the young woman moves through the world she takes charge of her own life, fulfilling her destiny in her own time and way. There are many critics who feel that Mr. Burton wasted the money he was given for the movie and that he wasn't true to the story. But the story being told in this movie happens AFTER the original two, coming at a point much later in Alice's life. The new Alice is at a point in her life where she must choose: conform to society and marry the young lord, or face an uncertain financial and social future by refusing his offer. Her return to Wonderland isn't only to help overthrow the Red Queen; it's also to remind her of who she is as an individual and to show her that she can stand up on her own and make a difference without following the plans everyone else has set out for her. It really is a compelling tale that teaches people (adults as well as children) to think outside the box and make decisions for themselves, instead of letting others wear them down into submission. Think how different her world would be if Alice had not followed the rabbit again.
The cast for this movie was quite amazing. As usual, Tim Burton chose Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, but the inclusion of other actors such as Anne Hathaway and Mia Wasikowska certainly made a difference. Hathaway's performance as the White Queen was wonderful, and she brought out the image and persona of her character with graceful success. Though Wasikowska's performance was true to the character of Alice, there still seemed to be something lacking. Mrs. Bonham definitely filled the role of the Red Queen well, bringing out her insecurities and the source of her tyrannical behaviour for the audience to acknowledge.
Depp's performance was most definitely satisfying. True to form, he took his character above and beyond the script and gave the audience more than what they were expecting. Burton's twist on the Mad Hatter brings so much more to the whole story and fills in many blanks concerning the Hatter himself. The original Alice story does have a reasoning behind why both the Hatter and Hare are the way they are, but this version gives the Hatter much more depth. The transition between personalities and the changing eye-colour is a wonderful touch for showing when he is his typical "mad" self that everyone is familiar with and when he is remembering himself and becoming truly mad about everything that has happened. Depp does a great job showing all sides of the Hatter.
The setting of Wonderland is rich in colour and contrast, revealing the parts of the world yet intact and the parts that have been ravaged by the Red Queen's rule. The costumes match the characters well, and the changes in Alice's costume reflect well her growth in the story, though her outfit while in the White Queen's court was a bit disappointing. After all of the other more eye-catching pieces it seemed rather plain and out of place amongst the others.
All-in-all, this was an amazing movie that built well on the the foundations of Lewis Carroll's tales. Tim Burton lived up to his reputation for compelling and unconventional movies with a cast that truly brought it all to life. It earns a 9.7 out of 10 for a very few minor discrepancies, but it's well-worth seeing on the big screen and viewers aren't likely to be disappointed.
As a side note, for those who don't know why the Mad Hatter and March Hare are known as such, here's a quick history insight. Back when the original story was being written, lead was still being used in top hats to help keep them stiff, but people were learning that it was causing lead-poisoning, which can lead to various forms of delirium and mental issues, so the Mad Hatter is mad in the sense of being insane, not angry. For the Hare, March is generally their time for procreation and they tend to be a bit crazy during this time. Hope you enjoyed these tidbits and if you have anything to add please do.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Still in the Broom Closet...
There are all kinds of self-help books for pagans and wiccans on how to "come out of the broom closet" to your friends and family. But it's not that simple. Sometimes there are situations where you can't come out to those you care about because the cost outweighs any good that might come from it. I've been very lucky to have so many open-minded friends, many of whom have pagan leanings. Once I gathered the courage and found the right time, I just let it come out as causally as possible. Sure you gotta test the waters first, but not with everyone. Family, on the other hand, can be an entirely different kettle of tea.
I come from a very Christian family, one that still believes witches and magick are evil and that it's all demon-worship, etc. I hate to admit it but lying has become commonplace for me on the home front with my parents. I just found a local pagan meet-up group to go to in the area where I moved, but I can't share that joy with my parents or even my aunt, uncles, and grandmother. Instead, I have to settle for saying I found a meditation group that I want to go try out so I can get back into meditating more regularly. I know lying is bad, but it's not only easy, it's necessary. One day I'll probably come out, and that'll be the day when I no longer have to rely on my family for financial support and I can afford to be disowned, because that's likely what will happen.
However, my motives for lying aren't wholely selfish. I know for a fact that my parents will blame themselves for my "straying from the path". "We didn't go to church enough." "We didn't pray enough." "We didn't try hard enough." "We're horrible parents." It will already be hard facing their disappointment in me, but knowing that it will cause them so much guilt and doubt is just impossible to deal with right now. I don't want to put them through that. I'm their only child, the one they've put their hopes into, and they have never been bad parents. In fact they were wonderful parents, but sometimes the children need to question and learn on their own, and if they find a better way, a way that suits them more than what they were taught, that's just life.
My parents are Christians, they may not go to church anymore, they may not pray or read their bibles all that much anymore, but they are good people and deserve to go to whatever heaven they believe in. As their child, I feel the only thing I can give them in return for all they've done for me is lies so that they can go on unaware and never have to feel as disappointed in me or themselves as I know they would if I ever came out to them. Is it wrong of me? I don't know; I'm not sure I want to know. I just know that I want my parents to be happy, even if there are still secrets and lies. They deserve whatever happiness I can give them.
And so, for the rest of you pagans still hiding in the broom closet, trust me, I know how you feel and now you know you're not alone. If you're having trouble holding your beliefs in, then find someone in your area who you can talk to, even if it's someone you've never met and you're scared. Sometimes it's a good idea to step outside your comfort zone, otherwise you're gonna start to lose it and your inner balance will be blown to smoldering bits. If there's ever a time or a way for you to come out to those you care about, don't pass it up, it'll lift a very heavy burden from your soul. But if you're not comfortable or feel it's not the right time, then don't, because it can cause a whole new level of emotional and spiritual hurt that you may not be ready to deal with.
So now that I've reached the end of this, let me just say again: you are not alone. Peace and light be with you all as you go forth into the world.
I come from a very Christian family, one that still believes witches and magick are evil and that it's all demon-worship, etc. I hate to admit it but lying has become commonplace for me on the home front with my parents. I just found a local pagan meet-up group to go to in the area where I moved, but I can't share that joy with my parents or even my aunt, uncles, and grandmother. Instead, I have to settle for saying I found a meditation group that I want to go try out so I can get back into meditating more regularly. I know lying is bad, but it's not only easy, it's necessary. One day I'll probably come out, and that'll be the day when I no longer have to rely on my family for financial support and I can afford to be disowned, because that's likely what will happen.
However, my motives for lying aren't wholely selfish. I know for a fact that my parents will blame themselves for my "straying from the path". "We didn't go to church enough." "We didn't pray enough." "We didn't try hard enough." "We're horrible parents." It will already be hard facing their disappointment in me, but knowing that it will cause them so much guilt and doubt is just impossible to deal with right now. I don't want to put them through that. I'm their only child, the one they've put their hopes into, and they have never been bad parents. In fact they were wonderful parents, but sometimes the children need to question and learn on their own, and if they find a better way, a way that suits them more than what they were taught, that's just life.
My parents are Christians, they may not go to church anymore, they may not pray or read their bibles all that much anymore, but they are good people and deserve to go to whatever heaven they believe in. As their child, I feel the only thing I can give them in return for all they've done for me is lies so that they can go on unaware and never have to feel as disappointed in me or themselves as I know they would if I ever came out to them. Is it wrong of me? I don't know; I'm not sure I want to know. I just know that I want my parents to be happy, even if there are still secrets and lies. They deserve whatever happiness I can give them.
And so, for the rest of you pagans still hiding in the broom closet, trust me, I know how you feel and now you know you're not alone. If you're having trouble holding your beliefs in, then find someone in your area who you can talk to, even if it's someone you've never met and you're scared. Sometimes it's a good idea to step outside your comfort zone, otherwise you're gonna start to lose it and your inner balance will be blown to smoldering bits. If there's ever a time or a way for you to come out to those you care about, don't pass it up, it'll lift a very heavy burden from your soul. But if you're not comfortable or feel it's not the right time, then don't, because it can cause a whole new level of emotional and spiritual hurt that you may not be ready to deal with.
So now that I've reached the end of this, let me just say again: you are not alone. Peace and light be with you all as you go forth into the world.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Reviews in review
The typical review is expected to involve a summary of the thing being reviewed, followed by an objective opinion from the writer. I say bulls#!t. As writers, we can do much more. The last time I checked this wasn't high school where you're required to regurgitate what you've read or seen and then give a brief, well-backed-up opinion on it. This is the real world, where you're allowed to speak in the first person, give your opinion freely, and not have to worry about whether or not you've given it in the proper order with citations proving you're not the only one who thinks such-and-such a way.
So you want to know how a real review should go? Read up.
Without giving any spoilers, address some of the more important details of whatever it is you're reviewing and then give your opinion on each thing as you go. For instance, when reviewing a book, give some input on how you feel about the character development while giving a bit of a summary at the same time. Use that as a springboard to go into any plot holes or slip-ups you found while reading. Then, once you've reached the end of your article, give an overall opinion of the book. This keeps you from sounding like the inside flap of a dust jacket and gets your reader more involved and interested in what you have to say. You can't just go "this is what the book's about" and then give it a thumbs up or down; you have to be more creative and thoughts-on. WHY didn't you like the book? Was it just too slow for you? Did a character remind you of someone you knew when you were a kid? It could be anything and everything, so explore your opinion as you give it.
C'mon people, I know you can do better. Fresh writing styles are the new regurgitation technique, so use 'em. Overall, I give the reviews of today (for anything) a 4.5 out of 10. So much for advances in literature.
So you want to know how a real review should go? Read up.
Without giving any spoilers, address some of the more important details of whatever it is you're reviewing and then give your opinion on each thing as you go. For instance, when reviewing a book, give some input on how you feel about the character development while giving a bit of a summary at the same time. Use that as a springboard to go into any plot holes or slip-ups you found while reading. Then, once you've reached the end of your article, give an overall opinion of the book. This keeps you from sounding like the inside flap of a dust jacket and gets your reader more involved and interested in what you have to say. You can't just go "this is what the book's about" and then give it a thumbs up or down; you have to be more creative and thoughts-on. WHY didn't you like the book? Was it just too slow for you? Did a character remind you of someone you knew when you were a kid? It could be anything and everything, so explore your opinion as you give it.
C'mon people, I know you can do better. Fresh writing styles are the new regurgitation technique, so use 'em. Overall, I give the reviews of today (for anything) a 4.5 out of 10. So much for advances in literature.
Anime in review: "Kampfer"
I was skeptical when I first read the description for "Kampfer". A guy turning into a girl and fighting other girls for....what were they fighting over again? Despite my reservations, I clicked on the link for the first episode, curiousity winning out. I was suprised to find myself hooked and the anime soon became one of my most frequently watched shows. Artistically it suited what I like to see when watching an anime, and even though the description mentioned girls fighting, there was a lot more plot than I was expecting to see. The main character, Natsuru, is thrown into a battle he doesn't understand (something most of the characters have in common) with the restriction that, to use his powers, he has to turn into a girl. Why he has to turn into a girl is never really explained, nor why he has such high sex appeal amongst both the male and female members of his school when he is in that form. As a viewer I would've appreciated a bit more explanation on this front, but ok, I can deal without it.
I was rather disappointed to find Natsuru so oblivious to the affections of those around him. The three girls he teamed up with were consistently coming on to him, some more blatantly than others. While I didn't mind to see such bold female characters who could take care of themselves, I wasn't so fond of a lead male character who just couldn't seem to grasp what was going on around him. He didn't to put two and two together until the second-to-last episode, which came too soon, and even then he still failed to have a complete understanding of why the girls surrounding him acted as they did.
The ending itself was, in short, disappointing. Rounding out at 12 episodes and one special, the series is definitely underdeveloped. The 12th episode didn't even have anything to do with the main arc and left me wondering why it was even added in to begin with. The actual story line could've been extended much further to add more depth to all of the characters. As it is, only two of the main characters seem to have any real personality beyond what the viewer is originally shown. As a side note, there's a huge emphasis on the female form in this anime, especially breasts. If things like that bother then I do not recommend you watch this one.
With an ending that left me wishing they'd added more, and so little character development, one might wonder why I liked the anime. Despite it's flaws, the story was compelling enough to keep me watching and the plot twists certainly helped keep it going. I won't give away what happens (you'll have to find out for yourself should you choose to watch it) but I will say it's not a complete waste of time. Overall I give it a 7.5 out of 10.
I was rather disappointed to find Natsuru so oblivious to the affections of those around him. The three girls he teamed up with were consistently coming on to him, some more blatantly than others. While I didn't mind to see such bold female characters who could take care of themselves, I wasn't so fond of a lead male character who just couldn't seem to grasp what was going on around him. He didn't to put two and two together until the second-to-last episode, which came too soon, and even then he still failed to have a complete understanding of why the girls surrounding him acted as they did.
The ending itself was, in short, disappointing. Rounding out at 12 episodes and one special, the series is definitely underdeveloped. The 12th episode didn't even have anything to do with the main arc and left me wondering why it was even added in to begin with. The actual story line could've been extended much further to add more depth to all of the characters. As it is, only two of the main characters seem to have any real personality beyond what the viewer is originally shown. As a side note, there's a huge emphasis on the female form in this anime, especially breasts. If things like that bother then I do not recommend you watch this one.
With an ending that left me wishing they'd added more, and so little character development, one might wonder why I liked the anime. Despite it's flaws, the story was compelling enough to keep me watching and the plot twists certainly helped keep it going. I won't give away what happens (you'll have to find out for yourself should you choose to watch it) but I will say it's not a complete waste of time. Overall I give it a 7.5 out of 10.
For the book-seeking pagan....
It's easy to go into a bookstore and find the New Age section. Picking out the right book is, however, another matter entirely. If you're like me, limited by funds and unaligned with a particular pantheon, it can be even harder. So many of the books out there tell you that you need all these different items to be able to get anything done and they make it seem like you have to adher to a particular group of gods/goddesses. But this isn't true: there's no need for you to stick to one set. I know many pagans who mix and match and some who don't follow anyone. As for what they tell you to buy, those are just tools you can use to focus your mind and energy.
My recommendation here is to be careful. Try not to spend too much on the books in the first place and give anything you pick up a good look-through before purchasing. Odds are, if you can't find anything helpful on the first run, you won't once you get it home either. It's always a good idea to pick up a book that gives you tips and tricks for energy work, instead of a book geared solely towards casting spells, this will help give you a good basis for creating your own practices that require no items for focus. And for the items themselves, a trip to your local Wal-mart or Target can produce candles, bowls, and many of the other typical items you might need. However, I do not recommend buying your incense from these kinds of places, as the smells and content can be quite different from the real, hand-rolled stuff. If you can't find a store in your area that sells good incense, try some of the online places (I'll be giving store reviews in other posts).
If you do happen to buy a book that doesn't suit, you can always return it and try again. Sometimes trial and error is necessary, just don't go overboard with the returns or you might make the bookstores a little unhappy. A few suggested readings so far: "True Magick" by Amber K and, for the aspiring shaman, "The Temple of Shamanic Witchcraft" by Christopher Penczak. These are just to get you started; I've read both myself and found quite a lot of useful information. "True Magick" does have some spells, but it's main focus is to teach the reader the basics of the craft, such as history, how to cast a circle, and even figuring out the type of magick the reader may excel at. For now, these are all I have to offer, but I'll be providing reviews of more books as I come to them myself.
My recommendation here is to be careful. Try not to spend too much on the books in the first place and give anything you pick up a good look-through before purchasing. Odds are, if you can't find anything helpful on the first run, you won't once you get it home either. It's always a good idea to pick up a book that gives you tips and tricks for energy work, instead of a book geared solely towards casting spells, this will help give you a good basis for creating your own practices that require no items for focus. And for the items themselves, a trip to your local Wal-mart or Target can produce candles, bowls, and many of the other typical items you might need. However, I do not recommend buying your incense from these kinds of places, as the smells and content can be quite different from the real, hand-rolled stuff. If you can't find a store in your area that sells good incense, try some of the online places (I'll be giving store reviews in other posts).
If you do happen to buy a book that doesn't suit, you can always return it and try again. Sometimes trial and error is necessary, just don't go overboard with the returns or you might make the bookstores a little unhappy. A few suggested readings so far: "True Magick" by Amber K and, for the aspiring shaman, "The Temple of Shamanic Witchcraft" by Christopher Penczak. These are just to get you started; I've read both myself and found quite a lot of useful information. "True Magick" does have some spells, but it's main focus is to teach the reader the basics of the craft, such as history, how to cast a circle, and even figuring out the type of magick the reader may excel at. For now, these are all I have to offer, but I'll be providing reviews of more books as I come to them myself.
The Praying Cat
silver star of the praying cat.
the Soul of nothing.
bitter memory forever captured
within the night sky.
heaven's guard. golden door
of worlds.
a whisper of my roar stops
the flow of time.
I hunt
I hunt
dark light I am, beautiful chaos, "your"
Protector, avenger, & forgiver
forever on guard.
This plane I live in quivers
like the water rippling, it is
the birth place of the Stars.
the Soul of nothing.
bitter memory forever captured
within the night sky.
heaven's guard. golden door
of worlds.
a whisper of my roar stops
the flow of time.
I hunt
I hunt
dark light I am, beautiful chaos, "your"
Protector, avenger, & forgiver
forever on guard.
This plane I live in quivers
like the water rippling, it is
the birth place of the Stars.
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